Solving Arsenal’s Attacking Dilemma

The Spaghetti Bolognese Cutlery-Composition Theory

IT’S EASY to get caught up in the whirlwind of transfer speculation that whips up at this time. And as fans only pretending to be ITK, none of us actually know anything about anything. So with Sky Sources serving up lines begging to be gobbled up, it’s up to us to make sense of them with a little thing called ‘rational thought’.

Granted, such a commodity is in short supply these days, but luckily I possess it in abundance. Butch Cassidy and the Abun-Dance kid if you will (still searching for a Butch, applicants welcome).

Wenger seems to flustered by the yearly transfer Au-Gust.

Here I’ll be dismantling the rumours revolving around Arsenal’s forward line, principally the farcical assumption that Arséne Wenger is willing to use Olivier Giroud as a bargaining chip in any prospective move.

The Spaghetti Bolognese Cutlery-Composition Theory – as I’m coining it – can also be applied to more recent rumours linking Man City outcast Wilfried Bony to the club; from now on just think of him as a fork and it should be as easy as pie.

But, without further ado… Who’s that Pokemon?! Let’s tuck in!

Swapping Giroud for another striker would only exacerbate Arsenal’s forward crisis, not alleviate it. But, rather than feed you legitimate and well thought out analysis explaining why, I’m simply going to provide you with a food related extended metaphor that should prove much easier to swallow – all puns intended.


For starters, imagine sitting down with a bowl of Spaghetti Bolognese with just a fork in hand. A manageable task, yes, but not the most efficient way to tackle such a dish.

Now imagine swapping that fork for a spoon. Not only do your tools for eating said Bolognese remain sub-optimal, you have in fact made such a challenge even more difficult.

In this scenario, Arsenal striker Olivier Giroud is the fork: bearer of the workload; runner of hard yards; the pillar without which nothing can be accomplished.

‘How much are they offering?’


The spoon in this instance is played by none other than Mr. Rumour Mill himself, Inter Milan captain Mauro Icardi: the classier of the pair; the soft-curved edged counterbalance to a rugged yet integral piece of kit; a finishing school graduate, quite literally.

The bowl of spaghetti? That, of course, is the Premier League.

Wenger’s trusty fork has been doing a decent job, and is quite frankly under appreciated. Nevertheless, Wenger’s fork is crying out for its partner in crime: the spoon.

Same old story.

Many other utensils have been paired with the fork in recent times, and on occasion the Bolognese has been made to look a futile challenge. But towards the end of the bowl, when the last few, eternally long strands of spaghetti remain, how much simpler life would be if Wenger was able to use not just his trusty fork? Nor solely a big ole shiny new spoon?

What if he were in fact able to marry both pieces of cutlery in perfect harmony and finally conquer the bowl of Spaghetti Bolognese that has haunted him for more than a decade?

Being French you would expect Arséne Wenger to be well versed in the classics of cuisine consumption (even though I find myself in the awkward position of using an Italian dish as reference). Yet, if Wenger really is struggling with his food he need to look no further than across the table to his compatriot Didier Deschamps.

And bow you may, sir.

During the European Championships, Deschamps put on a cutlery clinic with his France team. Olivier Giroud was once again starring as the fork – a very handsome one at that – yet alongside him emerged superstar-spoon, Antoine Griezmann. The New York Times dubbed it “the most magnificent rendition of the spoon in the modern era.”

The partnership between Giroud and Griezmann blossomed into something extraordinary and formed the cornerstone of the host nation’s march to the final. It also showed the world how effective the Arsenal man can be when given the right partner to play alongside; the optimal word in that statement being alongside.

Perfect Pair.

Admittedly, Olivier Giroud is not a world-beater nor a spork: he is excellent at the role he is given, but struggles when asked to go beyond it; he is excellent at holding up the ball and bringing in people into play, but struggles when asked to find the net on a consistent basis; he is excellent at twirling up the spaghetti, but struggles to get it into someone’s mouth. He needs a spoon.

So, what does all this actually mean in terms of my thoughts about Arsenal and all the transfer rumours circuclating?

‘Him. Over there. I’ll have him.’

To be honest, I don’t  expect for one moment that Arséne is even considering a swap deal. He’s far too intelligent.

But if the incessant regurgitation of rumours has effected him in any way, my advice to Mr. Wenger is simple: take heed of Didier Deschamp’s cutlery masterclass at the European Championships this summer.

Don’t replace the fork Arséne, give that big forker a spoon…

‘Oh hey. Didn’t see you there on account of all the massive gold trophies I’ve won.’

Who knows? He might already have one up his sleeve and/or down his throat.

What do you think?

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